A BLOKE’s guide to 2025
by W. Anchor
TW: The TRUTH for once
Dry January is a bit wet. If my mates are going to the pub I’m not exactly ordering a lemonade with the biggest grin on my face.
That’s why this guy is getting involved in something a bit different this January - so listen up snowflakes, get a load of this.
This January I’ve decided that I’m just going to live my life as normal, no changes, no new diets, no nothing.
Because it’s gone WOKE.
VEGAN-UARY? Do me a favour!
TRANS-UARY??? Come off it!
Excuse me but my pronouns are BACKING/BRITAIN and I won’t let the PC BRIGADE take that away from me.
So, in an effort to fight back against all this anti-British propaganda, I’m proposing a new way of organising the year for 2025. A calendar that stands up for TRADITIONAL BRITISH VALUES:
MANUARY
That’s right wokies, January is for us blokes.
Feminism has gone too far so it’s time to redress the balance.
We’re not cooking dinner, we’re not doing chores, we’re just settling into our man-cave with a couple of cans and playing FIFA with our mates like God intended.
Have fun with it, pop a couple of crisp packets next to the bin.
NO SPOONS FEBRUARY
The whole month, we avoid Spoons (unless it’s curry Thursday - we’re not animals).
The loophole here is that you avoid Spoons, but sometimes you just end up in Spoons through no fault of your own and that can’t be helped (as I’ve explained to my wife countless times).
Other pubs are fine of course.
MARCH AGAINST WOKE
In the month of March, you go to at least one anti-woke protest. We’ll be launching a competition where you can submit your anti-woke banner designs for prizes such as free Reform membership and a voucher for Jeremy Clarkson’s farm shop.
ANTI GAY-PRIL (STRAIGHT PRIDE MONTH)
If they get a whole month, why shouldn’t we! I’m straight and I’m proud of it! What about our agenda for a change, hmm?
THERESA MAY
Now I know she was a woman, but this month we celebrate female Tory leaders.
We divide up the month depending on how long each female Tory leader was in office. 4,226 days for Maggie, 1,106 days for Theresa and 49 days for Liz.
That’s 24 days 8 hours for Maggie, 6 days 9 hours for Theresa and 7 hours for Liz.
PRIDE MONTH
You might be thinking I’ve gone mad! But no, I’m not getting my nails done and prancing about to Madonna on Brighton Pier.
Of course, I’m talking about London Pride. One pint every day, for the whole of June. You’re welcome.
JULY
July is named after history’s biggest alpha, Julius Caesar. So get out your history books, sit a younger family member or loved one down on your sofa and just monologue at them about the Roman Empire - chances are they might learn something about what a bit of hard work and respect will get them! It’ll get them off their TikToks and whatnot at least.
WARGUST
This one’s similar, but this is specifically for talking about war in brutal detail. Don’t shy away from anything - these youngsters need to know exactly what happened in the two World Wars in excruciating detail. Bonus points for horrific facts about the Nazis - they need to know about the Nazis.
REMEMBER SEPTEMBER
If you’re someone with good old-fashioned respect for the monarchy, you were in The Queue.
BRING IT BACK, that’s what I say. Liz was Queen for 70 years and we repay her with a measly 5 days of lying in state?
Obviously I’m not suggesting digging her up, but a coffin to represent her years of service would serve the same purpose. The King or a minor royal could be in attendance to console all of us who felt as though she was part of our lives. I saw her once as a small boy at the opening of Euston station in 1968, and ever since I’ve felt a cast-iron bond with Her Late Majesty.
POC-TOBER
Be a bit racist - it’s draining holding it in all the time.
ANTI-MOVEMBER
There’s no reason your hard-earned money should go to a charity that’s done nothing to deserve it. So grow that moustache and collect donations, but what if you keep the money and spoil yourself for once, huh? Get yourself down to Halford’s and buy yourself something nice.
PUTTING THE ‘CHRIST’ BACK INTO CHRISTMAS
Last time I checked this was a Christian country and we could damn well act more like it!
I like the Spanish approach - they get the three wise blokes to bring them presents rather than Santa, or Father WOKEMAS as I call him.
So I reckon we get the three wisest blokes in the UK - that’s Farage, Piers Morgan, and Ricky Gervais, and instead of presents, we get treated to a few HOME TRUTHS that will certainly make the WOKIES baulk.
2025 is the year of Britain and it’s the year of you. The only way to make yourself better is if you put yourself at number one (alongside the King - we’re a monarchy and we’d do well to remember that once in a while).
So we start now with Manuary - boot up your console, call your lecherous divorced friends that your wife hates, tear up the chores rota, and settle in for a very British 2025.