If Coffees Were People
I’ve been making coffees a lot of late, and while musing aloud, a somewhat freakish idea was birthed. “How about attaching personalities to the various coffees existing - at least the popular variations?” “What if coffees were people?” My immediate response was, “the coffee aficionados are either going to love or terribly loathe this.” For those who are not coffee fans, this is going to be a whirlwind, or not.
Let’s start with Cappuccino. Think of someone brisk and chill, yet intense and tightly clenched - essentially an oxymoronic persona. Someone who would walk out of an argument to protect their tranquility, likes cigars, use recliners and drinks a Pinot Noir occasionally on a Wednesday night. They’re capable of deep thinking yet with an impeccable sense of humour and entertaining in a manner that is of little substance. They come from an affluent but dysfunctional family, where emotional traumas are “cured” with getaways in Venice or extravagant soirees. Hence, the humour is to placate the pain.
Latte, oh latte. Latte is kind to everyone, but mostly out of necessity. Consequently, they’re loved by everyone. Beware though so as not to abruptly assume they’re good. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t, we might never know. They can read people, figure out their need(s) and become someone who would pacify that need, sometimes with a subtle cost attached. Like a Chameleon, they don’t really change, they just adapt. Mostly raised by a single parent. Do not ask me if it was Dad or Mum who left, I don’t know. They always know someone, or at least someone who knows someone. In and out of relationships, maybe even jobs, but they always have a place to stay. Reminds me of Chris Evans in Fantastic Four (overrated movie by the way).
I’m split on Flat White you know. Solely because I think it’s simultaneously “a latte wanna-be” and a “cappuccino wanna-be”, like someone with identity crisis. Flat White is still figuring it out. Think of this personality as London’s transport network. One day, it saves your ass. You get to where you need to be as fast as possible and on time, with a plethora of options. Thank God you live in London and not New York, right? Another day, it’s the reason you’re texting the group chat at work that you’d be 20 minutes late and eventually must pay for an overpriced cab. If you’re unfortunate, you’d have to deal with a grumpy boss on top of that. That’s flat white - they are sub-par, on and off, but give them time. They are learning and unlearning, with an occasional bust of intensity in between. Making subtractions, abstractions, additions, all the “tions”. Eventually, they’d make a sublime individual - grandiose in thinking and style.
Espresso, the real star. I could just copy-paste Sabrina Carpenters’ “Espresso” lyrics, but they call it copyright infringement and that’s not cool. So, I’ll give this a go. You know people who are mellow but attract attention, nonetheless? They’re not the loudest in the room but you just know they got shit to say. You meet them and you just can’t sleep because their sayings are just too thought-provoking. It does not matter the multitude surrounding them, their uniqueness is easily conspicuous which they sometimes deliberately downplay to seem “normal.”
Macchiato is the evil twin of Espresso. Basically, they’re everything Espresso is, except they listen to Metal. Now that I think about it, I just labelled that genre with evil connotations. I’m not taking it back.
Ultimately, maybe this has nothing to do with coffee. Maybe I’m just describing different human personalities. Maybe I lied. I probably don’t like making coffee or drink it. Maybe it is just a façade, a shot at ingenuity. London is now a global coffee hotspot, with top-tier coffee everywhere you turn and the demand for it. We’ve turned coffee into the Beatles of beverages – to hell with tea. So, I might as well write about it and catapult myself to literary fame, right? Anyway, whatever the case is, you’ll never know.
My name is Ponmile Hafiz Lawal. There’s no specific thing I write or don’t write about. As long as I can think it, I just write it.