The Perks of Being a White Italian French Irish Oregano Bread
Growing up, I craved nothing more than Subway sandwiches: a carnal desire imminently starved, so much so that it induces an overwhelming amount of visceral fear in me every time I walk past a Subway store. Italian Bread, 9-Grain Wheat Bread, Multi-grain Flatbread, Italian Herbs and Cheese Bread, 9-Grain Honey Oat Bread, Jalapeno Cheese Bread, Monterrey Cheddar Bread, Parmesan Oregano Bread—the choices seem exhausting and endless. Frankly speaking, with in-depth research, I could probably find more types of bread than the ones offered by Subway. In fact, these examples perfectly remind me of my childhood dream: embodying the Italian Herbs and Cheese Bread. Back then, it did not seem unusual for a 12- year-old brown girl to dream of having Italian blood or a drop of anything that encompassed the West. Whenever my parents came home with a plastic bag overflowing with Pandesal and Empanada, the scent of Filipino breadcrumbs would fill the air but what soon conquered this warmth was the unquenchable thirst for something more sophisticated and popular among blue- eyed girls living abroad.
Subway. Sophisticated. Imagine that.
I don’t necessarily believe that I was ashamed of my cultural heritage, I have always loved eating Pandesal and was proud of my school lunchboxes which always had Filipino food in them. Yet, I could not help longing for the unattainable and impossible: being a footlong White Italian French Irish Oregano Bread. This year, I’m turning 21 years old. Admittedly, I sometimes still have the same dream of having the privileges that being of western descent could bring albeit the irony of it all is that my fear of the Subway store disappeared when I first stepped foot on predominantly white soil.
Among the sea of blue and green eyes, I now lather my ivory skin with body glitter and sit under the sun without shame, and whenever I eat European bread with my brown-coloured eyes wide open, I remember the aroma of fresh Pandesal and let it envelop me. I wear my heritage with brilliant pride that 12-year-old me was afraid of showing.
As they say, there’s nothing more revolutionary than a brown girl finally letting go of her paradoxical Subway dreams.
Cassey Abella is a Filipino writer and creative based in Graz, Austria. Her works are often inspired by her observations of the world around her, as well as her experiences with human connections and migration. She is currently a BA English and American Studies student at the University of Graz and has previously read her works at events hosted by the likes of LYSL Kollektiv and Tint Journal.