I'd gotten the guy off in less than ten minutes, but he still hadn't paid me. He'd spent the next half hour making small talk and showing me pictures of his grandchildren. Was he planning on stiffing me? It seemed pretty stupid to tell a hooker all about your grandchildren and then refuse to pay her. Not that I was a hooker. I'd answered a Craigslist ad for quick cash, but he didn't know that. At least, I hoped he didn't.
"And how old are they now?" I asked, looking up at their salt-and-pepper-haired grandfather. I didn't really care; I just needed something to distract me from the fact that my stomach was twisting itself into knots from anticipation. Why wasn't he giving me the money? I breathed deeply, steeling myself for an Emmy award-winning acting performance.
Lifting my head with mild exaggeration towards the clock on the wall, I sucked in quickly, feigning a gasp.
"Oh my goodness, is that the time?" I tried to appear flustered. "I've been having so much fun, I didn't realize how late it is!" I reached out and laid a hand lightly on his arm, forcing a giggle. Saul smiled sweetly, flirtation dancing in his narrowed eyes.
"Oh, you have somewhere to be at midnight on a Tuesday?" His teeth caught the tip of his tongue as he wrinkled his nose playfully.
"No, but I do have a friend waiting in the car. I just got so caught up in the excitement that I completely forgot!" His face immediately dropped all hints of seduction, eyes widening as big as saucers, his mouth forming a silent o.
"I didn't realize you have a driver. I'm so sorry . . . here, let me grab–." Striding across the living room, he quickly scooped up a worn brown-leather wallet off the kitchen bar, pulled out a wad of cash and peeled off several bills. A thin sheen of sweat had appeared on his brow, and he licked his lips nervously as he handed me the money. "I added a little extra for your trouble." His words tumbled out in a rush. Curiosity knit my brow briefly, but I quickly composed my features, accepting the payment with an appreciative smile, and wrapped myself in my winter jacket. He walked me to the front door, and, before opening it, wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into a hearty embrace. My hand firmly caressed his back, and my lips softly pecked his cheek. "Happy Valentine's Day…" I blanked on his name, “sweetie,” and walked through the exit. The heavy door closed behind me, the click of the deadbolt resounding in the still, icy night air.
I began the Walk of Shame down the sidewalk, brilliantly illuminated by the porch light, to my car in the driveway, taking care not to step on the edges of the frost-glittering lawn. My overactive imagination could feel the eyes of every nosy neighbor peering out of their window. I was sure they were silently casting judgment on the dark young lady who had paid a short visit to the aging widower at midnight on a Tuesday. Respectable people were asleep at midnight, resting up for work the next morning, not traipsing about in middle-class Nampa neighborhoods in a '96 Ford Escort.
The journey to the car seemed to take forever, and I was thankful when I finally placed my hand on the cold metal of the passenger-side latch and opened the door. A soft light emanated from Nikkis's cellphone in her hand, and the air inside the car was warm; she must have just recently killed the engine. I crawled inside and slowly, deliberately, settled myself into the seat, feeling her eyes burning a hole into me in expectation.
"Well?" She didn't try to hide the apprehension in her voice. A smile of triumph gradually spread across my lips, and I reached over, handing her four bills folded in half.
"Eighty, and it was just a blow." Her piercing blue eyes rounded wider than I thought possible.
"You got eighty bucks for a blow job?!" The bellow of her alto voice was explosive, and my body swung around in apprehensive tension, bracing for the flashing lights of cop cars that I was sure were barreling towards us.
"Shh!" I slapped her lightly on the shoulder. "We don't need the entire world to know what we're doing here!" I thought she was ignoring me, engrossed in the counting of her newly-acquired cash, but when she spoke again, her voice had reduced in volume.
"Ray, are you serious?" I nodded in the dim light, and then reached around on the floorboard of the car, my hand seeking my half-empty bottle of soda, to avoid meeting her gaze. I had purposely omitted the extra forty dollars that the man had given me for keeping me so long. I loved Nicole more than words could say, but my best friend had this innate ability to talk me out of everything in my pocket. This little excursion had cost quite a bit of fuel, and I still had to drop her off at her home in Boise before making the long trek back to my own town. I didn't feel right asking her for gas money; her need for cash was the reason we had embarked on this adventure in the first place. My hand closed over the neck of the bottle, and I pulled it from under the seat.
"It's enough for the part you need, right?"
"The part? Raking in cash at this pace, and I could buy myself a whole new ride! Hell, maybe I'll start hooking myself!"
"Nikki Davis, this was a one time deal!" I exclaimed. “Besides, I don't think you have exactly what the guys are looking for!”
"Just because I’m butch doesn’t mean I’m not sexy,” she replied. “And would you mind turning your head that way," she pointed towards the passenger window before continuing, "because your breath smells like dick!" She threw back her head and roared in laughter while, wide-eyed with embarrassment, I quickly raised the open bottle to my lips and took a long swig of the cold, crisp cola. I'd had a crush on Nikki since eighth grade. Suddenly I wondered if she'd ever look at me the same way again.
Even more so now that she was suddenly single.
The light on the porch flicked off abruptly, plunging the car into inky blackness.
"Well, that's our cue." Nikki's hand fumbled around in the dark and found the keys in the ignition, firing the engine of the Escort. The motor was deafening in the nighttime stillness, causing me to flinch involuntarily. The car backed out of the driveway and started down the neighborhood street. Only when we reached the main road did a sigh of relief escape my lungs; I hadn't realized I'd been holding my breath. Easing my strained rigid grip on the neck of the bottle in my lap, I reached out and turned on the radio. Thunderous classic rock blared out of the speakers, and I quickly lowered the volume to spare my eardrums. I never listened to my car radio that loudly. My eyes, full of disbelief, swung over to Nikki.
"I guess you were trying to alert the entire community to our presence, huh?" Nikki glanced back at me and scoffed nonchalantly.
"Relax, baby girl. You did the deed. We got the dough.”
Then she flashed me that radiant smile that could melt the sun, and instantly the tension in my muscles drained away. She was right: it was over; there was nothing to fret about now. I returned her grin with a sweet one of my own, then let my head fall back onto the head restraint. There were still several hours left in the early morning before I would find my bed, and I needed to rest.
There weren't many cars on the freeway that early on a Tuesday, making the drive from Nampa to Boise uneventful. Nikki pulled into the parking lot of a gas station and walked into the convenience store, emerging minutes later with her arms full of chips, cookies, bottles of soda, and a case of beer. Even though she was wearing a coat, my mind's eye could picture the sinewy muscles of her arms leading to strong shoulders and a small, perky bosom, and a quiver pulsated through my pussy. I closed my eyes to come back to my right mind. Nikki opened the back door of the Escort and deposited his loot on the seat, then slid into the drivers' seat.
"I'm out of food again" Her voice trailed off as a haunted look covered her features.
"Have you heard from Sarah?"
"Yeah, she's up in McCall at her mom's. She wants to arrange a time to come pick up the rest of her stuff. Without me around." A genuine pang of sympathy shot through my chest. I had wanted to hate the blonde with the huge tits who had captured Nikki's heart, but the part-cheerleader/part-animal rescuer was impossible to dislike. While we never actually became friends, Sarah was always pleasant and kind and had welcomed my presence without a hint of resentment. I had attended their commitment ceremony, stuffing my pain with copious amounts of barbeque, smiling so hard that I was sure everyone could see how fake my joy was. My turmoil became mixed with sympathy, however, as I witnessed the rigors of marriage and the unraveling of the happy couple.
Nikki shook her head as if to clear it, and she gave me another glorious smile.
"Oh well, it just means that I'm a free woman again!" Her eyes met mine with a mischievous glint. "What do you say we head over to Velvet Vixens?"
"No way. I've gotta be at work in a couple of hours; I don't have time to go sit in a topless club and watch you look at titties." I laughed, glad that the sad tension was broken. My exuberant friend didn't express sorrow easily, but when the dam occasionally broke, I was typically the one sitting for hours in its teary wake. Not tonight, buddy.
"Ah, good point." Nikki roared the engine to life and started towards her home. A few blocks away, she pulled into the driveway of a two-story house, then hopped out into the frigid air to relinquish command of my vehicle. I exited the passenger side and made my way around to the opposite side, the headlights nearly blinding me. Nikki was still standing by the driver's side door when I reached it, and I could see an unusual look of gravity in the backlight when my eyes adjusted back to the darkness.
"Ray-Ray," her voice was thick with seriousness, "I really appreciate what you did. Not many people would take a dick for me. That's some ride-or-die stuff right there." The air was heavy between us, quickening my heartbeat. She slowly leaned towards me, tenderness in her eyes. This was the moment I'd been waiting years for– what I'd been striving for. I closed my eyes in anticipation. I felt her move closer, felt the energy of her body as it closed the distance between us, felt her smooth, rosy lips as they landed softly.
On my forehead.
Forty-five minutes later I was parked outside a convenience store in Emmett, staring through a windshield blurred by tears.
I parked the car in front of a convenience store, the events of the night playing over and over in my head. I was sick of her, sick of this game, sick of this dance we'd been doing for twelve years. I needed something to distract me from her. I picked up my phone off my lap and typed out a brief text. Hey there, you available? I waited with bated breath, then sighed in relief as my phone chimed and I read the response. For you, sweetheart? Anytime! Come on by!
***
My finger pressed the doorbell on the frame of the cozy cottage, and chimes pealed out as I waited on the front steps. The door opened, and a tall, thin man in his late twenties with pale skin and blonde hair greeted me with a crooked smile. He was dressed in a leather vest and pants, with black riding boots.
I’d met Chris six months before while working at the café. He managed an adult toy store. One flirtatious conversation and an exchanged phone number later, and we'd been play-partners ever since.
“Hey, Ray, c’mon in,” he said warmly. “Would you like a drink?”
“No, I’m okay,” I replied. “I’d like to just get started.”
“What’s going on?” He led me down the hallway to the bedroom. “Anything you want to talk about before we begin?”
I stood in the center of the bedroom, looking up at him, a tense expression on my face. My pulse quickened in my throat as I spoke.
“I need to get my ass beat,” I stated matter-of-factly. “Sir,” I added quickly.
Chris’s smile darkened into a frown, although a light danced in his eyes.
“Why? Have you done something to deserve getting your ass beat, little one?” He began circling me, his gaze searching my body, as if he could see the infraction with his eyes.
I remained silent, unable to speak of the humiliation I had experienced at the hands of Nikki. Chris knew I carried around hurts I never named. Nikki was one of them. I couldn't tell Chris about Nikki. Saying her name out loud would make everything too real. As long as she was just a crush, I could keep hiding. If she ever became something more, I'd have no choice but to step out of the closet.
So, I couldn’t tell Chris, who awaited my response. I could only nod my head. * * “Very well. I see it’ll take some work to get some answers out of you,” Chris said, slapping me sharply on the ass. He then walked over to a chest that was situated against one wall, opening it. He withdrew a riding crop, the flat flap oiled and shiny, and a short flogger with leather tines. “Undress,” he commanded hoarsely. I quickly removed my shoes and socks, then took off my T-shirt and jeans, quivering with a mixture of excitement and anticipation as I folded the clothes and placed them neatly on the dresser. Clad only in my push-up bra and panties, I stood under his heavy-lidded gaze. Chris laid the flogger on the bedspread, keeping the riding crop in his hand. “Kneel.”
* * *
I was sore and completely wrung out before I finally opened up about my midnight encounter.
“Wow, I knew you were a freak, but I didn’t know you had that in you!” he exclaimed. “That’s a bold move!” He lightly stroked the welts on my back.
“I only did it because my best friend needed the money. She fixes cars in the winter season to make extra cash while she’s laid off from regular job, but she didn’t have enough for a part she needed.”
“Why didn’t she suck the guy off herself?”
“She’s a six-foot lesbian mechanic, Chris. She wasn’t going to be into it, and neither was the guy.” I tried to ignore the small voice in the back of my mind–*but I wasn’t into it, either, nor with Chris.* “Well, you know how much I’m into you. When are you gonna let me take you on an actual date?”
I sat up, wrapping the top sheet around my bare tits. This was a conversation we’d had a few times in the past, and I wasn’t eager to rehash it.
“Let’s not talk about that right now. How are things at the store?”
“Things are fine at the store, but I don’t want to talk about the store. I want to talk about us. Why won’t you give me a chance? Give us a chance?
“You know I enjoy our time together, but I don’t want to date anyone right now.”
“No, I guess not. You need to be free to suck off strangers at that bitch’s command.”
White-hot rage flooded my body.
"You don't know her."
I grabbed my clothes and slammed the bathroom door.
\* \* \*
“There she is!” exclaimed Nikki from the living room as I let myself in through the front door of her home in Boise, grocery bags in tow. She was sitting on the couch, game controller in hand that she was using to kill Nazis in a first-person shooter. “Did you get my pizza rolls?”
“Of course,” I said, walking up the stairs and setting the bags on the kitchen table, then opening the freezer. I stacked tv dinners and the aforementioned pizza snacks into the icy depths. “I know you love those. Did you get the part for that car you’re working on?”
“I ordered it. It should be here next week. I’m stuck until then.” Setting down the controller, Nikki joined me in the kitchen, grabbing a pack of hot dogs from a grocery bag. “I’m so bored. There’s nothing to do around here.” She put the hot dogs in the fridge, then loaded a bag of potato chips into the pantry.
“Well, the winter season won’t last forever. Work will start back up once it gets warm.” Nikki worked as a guide for a bicycle bar, where tourists pedal and tour the city while enjoying craft beer. Every winter, the colder weather brought business to grinding halt, and Nikki was forced to subsidize her living with unemployment checks and food stamps.
“Yeah, but there’s nothing to do now,” whined Nikki. “I can’t keep going to Vixens. I don’t have any money.”
“Well, I can’t help you there. I’m barely making anything at my mom’s café.” I took off my coat and hung it over the back of a kitchen chair, then I picked up a loaf of bread to store on the top of the fridge.
“That thing you did last night . . . you could do it more.” I froze mid-reach and looked at her hard.
“What?”
“You know, I’ve been thinking. You could do more hooking. Make a little extra money on the side. You seemed to be really good at it.”
I stood there, with my arm still outstretched, my hand putting the bread on top of the refrigerator, blinking at her, my thoughts racing. She wants me to do it more? “Ray-Ray? Say something.”
“Just give me a minute to think, okay?”
I finally completed the motion I had begun and deposited the bread in its rightful location, then I turned towards the sink, filling the basin with soapy water while I gazed out the window overlooking the backyard. I was in shock. She wanted me to sleep with men for money–on a regular basis? How could I tell her that I’d realized that sex with men wasn’t something that I wanted anymore? That I realized that I was only going through the motions with them?
“I don’t think so . . .” I finally said while washing a plate from a stack next to the sink. Nikki came up behind me and started rubbing my back, a move I’d loved since middle school, when I’d talk to her about my dad and the pain of losing him soon before. Unfortunately, this time her hand put pressure on the welts through my shirt, and I ducked away from her touch, even though it was something I usually craved. She grimaced.
“Did you go see that creep again?” she asked darkly, wrapping her fingers tightly around my upper arm, giving me a shake.
“Chris isn’t a creep—he’s my friend.” I looked away. “At least, he was,” I mumbled. I looked back into her eyes. “You don’t have to worry about me seeing him anymore. He and I are through.” I wished I could explain that Chris was merely a substitute for Nikki herself, the woman I truly wanted. I wished I could explain that Chris had never really been about Chris.
“Why, what happened?” She released her grip and backed away, taking a seat on a wooden chair at the table. “God, Ray, I don’t understand what you see in him. How you could let him touch you like that. Did he hurt you, Ray? I mean, really hurt you?”
“No, nothing like that!” I finished the dishes and returned to the last few groceries on the table. “It’s just time for a change, that’s all. We had our fun, and now I’m done.” I deposited the plastic bags into the garbage can, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by exhaustion. “I don’t think I’m gonna make it back to Emmett before I pass out. Can I crash here for a while?” I asked, already knowing the answer. Nikki still inhabited her and Sarah’s twobedroom home, and I had claimed the guest room as practically my own in their separation.
“You know that’s cool,” she said. “Although, the part cost less than I thought it would, and I had enough cash left over for a bag of shit.” She pulled a tiny Ziplock bag of crystalline powder out of her shirt pocket and tossed it on the table.
“You know that’s not my thing,” I said, walking towards the hallway where the bedrooms were located. “I know, but I want you to try something different for once. Besides, this stuff always makes me horny, and without Sarah here, I’ll need an outlet.” She winked.
I froze, my heart in my throat. Was Nikki propositioning me? She couldn’t possibly be. I must have misunderstood.
“What do you mean?” I asked tentatively.
Nikki pulled a pipe with a round bubble on the end out of the pocket on her jeans, the glass gleaming in the sunlight. She poured some of the meth into the bubble, then pulled out a lighter.
“I mean, you look awfully fine in those jeans, and I’m hoping to turn you into a lesbian,” she said, chuckling. “At least for the rest of the day.”
My heart thudded in my chest. The opportunity to be with Nikki, for once, was right there, on the other side of that pipe. But I didn’t know if I could take it. I had never been with a woman before, and I didn’t know if I would be any good at it. Would I be clumsy and ineffective? What if she regretted asking me to sleep with her?
Nikki stood up and walked towards me.
“C’mon, Ray-Ray, let’s have some fun!” and she smiled that brilliant smile. I sighed before giving a tight smile back.
“Okay, you win,” I said. She showed me how to hold the pipe and light it. As I exhaled a thick cloud of smoke, a warm, tingly sensation flooded my body, and my clit began throbbing. A sense of pleasantness and arousal draped around me.
“Oh wow!” I exclaimed in surprise. I had never felt anything like it before. Nikki took the pipe and lighter from me and took a hit herself. She gestured with her head, nodding to the couch, and we sat down and continued smoking the meth until there was nothing but black charcoal on the bottom of the glass.
“How are you feeling?” she asked me, her body leaned back against the sofa, a sly smile on her lips.
“Absolutely amazing!” I exclaimed. I ran my hands along my chest and body, caressing and cupping my tits. “I feel like I could fuck all night!”
"That's great for you. That shit didn't do a thing for me. But since you feel so good, why don't we make a little money?"
She wasn't going to sleep with me. She'd never been going to sleep with me.
For a moment, I saw the girl I'd loved since eighth grade. The girl who rubbed my back while I cried about my dad, who called me Ray-Ray and flashed that brilliant smile that had been undoing me for years.
Suddenly I couldn't remember the last time Nikki had asked what I wanted.
I grabbed my coat and keys and walked out of Nicole Davis's life.
Joy Holmes is a Black lesbian writer from Pendleton, Oregon, whose work explores belonging, faith, identity, and hope. Her memoir pieces have appeared in Our Bold Voices anthologies, and she enjoys crafting character-driven stories that find grace in unexpected places.